The Bachelorette, Episode One-The Stable of Boring

This is Ashley Hebert, Dentist, and this season's Bachelorette.

Last season on The Bachelor, I referred to her as Eyebrows for probably 7 episodes before remembering who she was. Seriously, they're always named Ashley or Jennifer or Megan or Michelle or Nicole or Amy. Wouldn't it be great if they had to have stripper names to stand out for the attention of one guy? I'd like to see girls named Jasmine and Ginger and Ruby and Cookie and Asia.

I digress already.

This is Ashley now:


Already the hair is improved. Darker, new weave (thanks ABC!) and bangs to help hide the missing brow situation. Our girl is back and ready to meet her husband, America!

I decided to take notes during the season premiere as my brain tends to consume reality tv and discard the information it receives almost as soon as the brain cells click together. You won't be needing that, my brain says. We need that space for memorizing dance moves from Lady Gaga videos. Good point.

I decided to jot down notes about the Bachelors I liked the most, and more importantly, the ones I hate. You can probably guess which list is longer, so I'll start with the ones I liked.

Ben C:
A lawyer from New Orleans, he speaks fluent French and grew up in England or some shit. Kind of generic looking, but whatever. The Bachelor series seems to thrive on mediocrity. Anyway, during the course of the cocktail party, the most uncomfortable part is watching the suitors jockey for attention, usually by saying something meek like, "Hey, can I steal you for a second?" It almost always happens about two sentences into the Bachelor/ette's conversation with a rival. So the way Ben C. requested time with Ashley was with cue cards that said something along the lines of "You look beautiful tonight-We haven't talked yet-That makes me :(" I guess I'm a sucker for an emoticon from a lawyer. I'm picking this one as a front runner.

William:
A Cell Phone salesman from somewhere in America. I don't remember what he looks like. I don't know why I liked this one, but he just seemed kind of nervous and genuine. There's probably no way Ashley will end up with a guy who works at Verizon though.

Constantine:
Restaurant owner-extra points for an exotic name, and I'm sure Ashley would agree. When the bachelors first meet the Bachelorette, they either do or say something cute to stand out, or they do something totally moronic that makes up her mind to axe them immediately. Constantine tied pink dental floss on her finger. Clever choice, reality contestant.

Ben F:
Winemaker from San Diego and or San Francisco. I almost didn't like Ben F. because he looks kind of like that guy Dax Shepard, who I think is gross and slimy. But he MAKES WINE and is from two of my favorite California cities. You may pass Go.

WHO I HATE:

Nick:
From Tampa, he read Ashley a totally stupid poem that was neither funny or cute, and his hair is a fucking nightmare. I am hereby naming him LA Looks from now on.

Jeff:
I dont know anything about this guy, but he wore a Mardi Gras mask all night to get noticed. I can see how it might have worked well, but he insisted on lurking silently all night like the goddamn Phantom of the Leased for TV Productions House. Apparently Ashley is immune to Crazy Eyes because this tool got the very first rose at the rose ceremony. Great choice.

Bentley:
BENTLEY!! That fucking name. I feel sad about this one because in a sea of Brooks Brothers suits with wide ties he at least had some sense to wear a slim tie. Other than that, this dude is a slimebag, and Ashley made cryptic remarks about things a friend said to her warning her about him. This makes my bullshit alarms go off, because how would she know anyone who would know one of the contestants? The kicker was when he admitted he was "not overly attracted" to her. I feel like this is the male version of the "crazy bitch" that producers insist remain on the show to drum up drama for television.

Lucas:
Last but not least, Lucas. I'm sure he must be very nice, but as a personal choice I would not be able to get along with a Conservative Republican from Texas who works in the Oil industry. I bet he likes strangling sea turtles in his spare time.

That's it for the first episode of The Bachelorette. I thought about posting photos of the Bachelors from the ABC website but I don't feel like getting some kind of cease and desist from Mickey Mouse who owns that shit. So here's a link to the new crop of boring white dudes!